Win or Lose
by ICarryYourHeartInMyHeart
Summary: "He could look yes, but the only thing he saw in them was her eyes, her hair, her skin, her dimples. But none could quite get her smile right; that was her, all her." Review? Just a one-shot, guys.


**_Thanks for all of you who reviewed my other story No Greater Joy! I hope you enjoy this little story based on the latest NCIS Ep "Housekeeping"._**

**_I wasn't sure if I should continue or not, but if you want me to PLEASE let me know! Otherwise, I'll probably let it stand alone as a one shot(:_**

**_I'm still getting the hang of this, so constructive criticism is welcome! Please let me know what you like and what I can improve upon in my writing(: But please don't spit fire!_**

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><p>Tony smirked humorlessly as he watched the moment slip away and fall between his fingers like sand; the moment where he could've figured out whether or not he meant anything to his partner; the moment where everything they've ever shied away from could be brought into the light; the moment where their friendship and partnership could've turned into something more. He stared down at his fingers which were clutching at his sunglasses for a moment before he lifted himself off of her desk and went to gather up his belongings. He flicked out his desk lamp and glanced over to where his partner stood by the window. He couldn't hear what she was saying because her voice was low, but he heard the unmistakable sound of her laugh; how could he not know that sound? It was the most beautiful sound in the world. He tore himself away and made his way to the elevator, stepped in and pushed the button for the ground floor.<p>

When he turned on the car he turned up the radio as far as it would go without busting his eardrums in an attempt to drown out his thoughts. He didn't want to think about what EJ had told him; what she'd told him of Ziva; that she _cared_. He didn't want to think of what Ziva had said either; that she was grateful to have him in her life. But he couldn't completely get rid of that. He kept hearing his own voice in his head: "Agent David…do you really consider me to be…_in_ your life?" She hadn't answered the question. He thought about what she would've said had the blip on the _Ray_-dar not reappeared, or if she'd have said anything at all. He wanted to think that she'd say yes, he was in her life whether he wanted to be or not; and he _did_. He wanted to be in her life. She was definitely in his.

He couldn't go anywhere alone because wherever he went she was there. He'd see her everywhere; at the grocery store, in traffic, in a huge crowd at the mall. He knew it wasn't _really_ her; but he couldn't stop himself from looking for her. He couldn't even look at women with any interest anymore because none of them lived up to his standards that he'd never realized had been raised. He could _look_ yes, but the only thing he _saw_ in them was her eyes, her hair, her skin, her dimples. But none could quite get her smile right; that was her, all her.

He pulled into the grocery store, needing to get some food to last him through the week. He'd stopped eating out so often, trying to eat healthier like she'd been encouraging him to do. He got some fresh fruits and veggies and other missing ingredients he needed to make some of the dishes he most enjoyed preparing. He was back at his apartment within half an hour and took a quick shower to wash away the stresses that came with his job before planting himself in the kitchen to get dinner ready.

He was pushing strips of lean beef around in a pan with a little bit of vegetable oil when he heard a knock at the door. Having not ordered pizza or anything he was puzzled as to who could be looking for him at that hour. He wiped his hands on a dish towel and turned the heat down on the meat, thinking it was probably one of his neighbor's giving him mail that had mistakenly delivered to their box; it happened often. He pulled the door open and was surprised to see Ziva standing in front of him with a smile.

"We were going to have movie night, yes? You left before we could talk about a time so I just guessed," she told him, having stepped into his apartment and hung her coat on its usual hook by the door, "It smells delicious in here. Are you making stir fry?"

"Yea, I didn't think you were going to come after all," he stated confused by her presence, just standing in the middle of the entryway staring at her.

"Of course I am. You invited me, yes? If you would like me to leave then it is not a problem," she replied, just as confused. He shook his head quickly.

"No, just the phone call…I figured you'd be otherwise engaged tonight," he elaborated, walking back into the kitchen and returning the heat to the meat, continuing his previous task until it started to brown.

Ziva laughed and he could hear the tension in it, causing him to look up at her. "He said that he would be out of the country for an additional three months, and asked if I would still be waiting for him when he came back," she told him.

He was quiet for a moment before he spoke. "So will you?"

Ziva shook her head from side to side decidedly. "I told him I was tired of sending emails that went unanswered and calls that were never returned. I have never been good at waiting." She shrugged, "I deserve better than that…I think."

"You deserve…_tons_ better, Ziva," he assured her, turning off the meat and locking eyes with her, "You deserve the very best."

She laughed once lightly, shaking her head again. "I am not so sure about the best…but I know I deserve better than him. He is not someone I can count on."

Tony couldn't help the question that slipped through his lips. "So who is?" he whispered into the space between them, his green eyes searching hers.

"EJ told me…that I should surround myself with people who I would trade my own life for," she told him honestly, keeping her eyes on his.

He remembered the words he'd uttered to the small blonde woman right before they'd caught Cole. "And?"

"I have done just that," she assured him, then stepped closer to him so they were mere centimeters away, "And, Tony?"

"Hmm?"

"I have not had many people _in_ my life; they tend to leave all too quickly or be taken from me. But I do consider you to be in my life. How could I not? You have always been there; and I am very grateful that you have not gone anywhere," she whispered quietly, her warm minty breath fanning over his face.

He gave her his charm smile; the smile he'd noticed he always saved her for her lately. "You can't get rid of me _that_ easily, sweetcheeks," he replied honestly, "I promise I'll always be here."

"I know," she nodded slightly, their eyes still locked.

They stayed motionless for awhile before breaking out of their trance and Tony went back to fixing them dinner. Ziva helped cut the veggies and make the jasmine rice in the cooker while Tony mixed his family's secret recipe for the perfect stir fry sauce. They worked easily together, laughing and joking and recalling memories of nights they used to spend together in similar company so long ago. When everything was ready Tony served up plates and poured them each a glass of wine while Ziva stood in the living room, trying to choose a movie from his very extensive collection.

As he carried their meal to the couch Ziva gasped, pulling a case off the shelf. "How in the world do you already have this movie? It is still in the theaters!" she exclaimed, holding up _We Bought A Zoo_ for him to see what she was talking about.

Tony chuckled and set their plates on the coffee table beside their wine glasses. "An old buddy of mine paid for like half of what it cost to film that movie. He got a copy for me for Christmas," he explained, taking the movie from her and putting it in the player, "Come on, I haven't watched it yet."

"Why not?" she wondered, settling into the couch beside him as the previews ran on the screen.

He shrugged. "I was just waiting for someone to watch it with," he grinned, nudging her with his elbow and she leaned over onto his shoulder before picking up her plate of Chinese.

"That was the best movie!" Ziva raved, discretely wiping the tears from the corners of her eyes before they could fall. The end credits were rolling and she looked over at the man she'd just been leaning into as he looked at her in amusement. "What? You did not think it was good?"

"Oh, it was a great movie. I was scared it would be like all those other animal movies where the animals die and it was just gonna be all depressing but it was really good," he conceded, "That little girl was adorable, too, and Matt Damon was awesome," He let out a soft chuckle, and his expression turned thoughtful.

"What are you thinking about?" Ziva asked, turning sideways and holding her head up on her arm which was propped on the back of the couch. She studied his face and tried to read him, but was finding it frustratingly difficult tonight.

"You ever wish you'd had a family?" he wondered aloud, staring away from her with his eyes glazed over in thought. She pondered for a few moments.

"Sometimes…" she allowed hesitantly.

"Why didn't you?"

"I had not found the right man, yet," she explained quietly.

"But you've found him now?" He looked up to meet her eyes and she could see some emotion roiling in his green depths, unable to determine exactly what it was.

"I think so," she whispered back.

Tony let out a 'humph' and looked away again. "I thought you said you'd finished waiting for Ray."

"I did say that, and I have," she confirmed. He looked back at her.

"So who's the lucky guy who helped ya move on?" he wanted to know, suppressing that feeling of despair that had crept up on him earlier that evening.

"I do not think that is important right now. He does not know." She looked down at her lap as she said it then turned back to lean against the couch, staring straight ahead.

He knew there was more she wasn't saying but tonight wasn't the right time to push her into speaking. She'd talk about it when she was ready. So he let it go, staring straight ahead for a few moments until he was unable to keep himself from pulling her back into his arms. When that lucky guy finally found out he'd won the heart, love and future of the most amazing person in the world he wouldn't be allowed to hold her like this. He felt the knife in his heart twist painfully as he suppressed the feeling of losing the only woman he'd ever _really_ cared about.

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><p><em><strong>Please review!(: <strong>_


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